how can i be happy and healthy and positive when not being able to binge, when not eating until i’m sick, brings me down so much? why am i such a fuck up?

i could probably eat an entire fucking pizza right now. all i had today was a bagel and now i’m going to have a shit dinner with nothing to binge on, holy shit. this shouldn’t upset me as much as it doesn’t but it fucking does. i literally want to claw at my own skin. i want to cry like a little bitch i want to throw a temper tantrum i want to fucking eat gddamn i am so pissed it is driving me nuts. i shouldn’t be this upset - it isn’t fucking normal but i am enraged. i actually wish i didn’t shower already so i can bawl my fucking eyes out in peace all alone. 

there is literally nothing to eat in this damn house and the thought of it actually brings me to tears and i’m just going to rant and rave about it until i feel better which will be fucking never because i’m so angry and hungry and depressed. and holy shit i need to get back to school i cant take these fuckers anymore. i want to be left the fuck alone and then i will starve myself thin and my mom will wish that i would eat, she will wish that i asked for more but i won’t. fuck everything. i’m going to be so gddamn skinny that i will actually be happy for once in my fucking pathetic and lonely life. 

pissed as hell. i want to binge my fucking face off. i haven’t felt that sickeningly full feeling in so long and it’s driving me crazy. there’s nothing to eat in this damn house. i want fucking raviolis but my mom wouldn’t make them for me. selfish selfish selfish fucking selfish lazy asshole. “two meatballs and spaghetti isn’t enough?” make me want to cut and hate myself more, why don’t you? how fucking rude are you? i want to cut, i want to fucking rip my damn skin off. i hate this body and my life. i’m not happy and all i want is food fucking shit hell.

barely ate all day. all i want is a fucking dinner. a fulfilling dinner, not leftovers for the third night in a row. my mom doesn’t understand. she’s a bitch. fucking glued to her gddamn computer - thats all she cares about anyway. fuck you. fuck everything. all i ask for is food, the only thing that fucking makes me happy. you literally don’t even care you lazy fatass.